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Hilarious Sayings and Quotes

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. Lesson is, never try.     
Homer Simpson, The Simpsons
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
Erma Bombeck
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

Steven Wright
Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.     
Ralph Bus
A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion.
George Carlin
I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names.     
Demitri Martin
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.     
Richard Jeni
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.     
Fred Allen
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.     
Agatha Christie
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.     
Steve Martin
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Robert Bloch
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.     
Will Rogers
The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.     
Stanley Randall
My kitchen floor is sticky, and I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers.
Sarah Silverman
Why do people say “no offense" right before they’re about to offend you?
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Jackie Mason
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.      
Rodney Dangerfield
Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.     
Helen Rowland
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?      
Robin Williams
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.     
Bob Monkhouse
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.
Will Ferrell
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.     
Oscar Wilde
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.      
Steve Martin
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.     
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
Dave Barry
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.      
Lana Turner
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
Jack Handey
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.     
Groucho Marx
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Dennis Miller
USA Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population.     
Dave Letterman
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
Fred Allen
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
Mark Twain
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.      
Frank Sinatra
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
Douglas Adams
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henny Youngman
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
Milton Berle
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.      
Jim Carrey
If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty.     
Chris Rock
How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Jay Leno
When people ask me how many people work here, I say, about a third of them.
Lisa Kennedy Montgomery
I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.     
Winston S. Churchill
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.     
Woody Allen
Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
Ricky Gervais
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
Oliver Herford
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Rita Rudner
How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town.
Jimmy Kimmel
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